Vajayonetta

Platform: Ps3, Xbox 360

Developer: Platinum Games (XB360), Nex Entertainment (PS3)

You've got to hand it to the Japanese they sure know how to syringe sugar into any video game with such enthusiasm that anyone would think they were trying to lifesave an unregulated diabetic. Bayonetta is no exception to that rule. OK, so it’s basically Devil May Cry with a sex change, a thousand times more boob-ass action and the best damn nonsensical storyline out there, but hey that certainly hasn't deterred me from every other Japanese game ever. Bayonetta has copped a tonne of flak for being "too sexual" and too much of a fan service, are you joking? This is freaking sweet. You get to play as an 8-foot tall, psycho-hot, bad-British-accent witch, who gets naked at every available opportunity. FUCK YEAH! People who say Bayonetta is too sexual are taking this shit way too seriously. Bayonetta is a satire of every J.R.P.G out there.

Everything from the overt sexuality to the crazy sugar-pop jazz background music is completely off the deep end of ridiculous. Not only does Bayonetta have Hideki Kamiya's signature glorious, press-x-to-not-die fighting formula, but it also looks like a freaking candy shop. If you get bored by the story line, hell, just admire the scenery. It's hard to find game scenery that can hold my attention span at the best of times. I measure every other game scenery in the RPG/Hack n Slash genre to my level of attention held by the game Final Fantasy V|| which I shall name a 9.5/10. Bayonetta is at least a 7.9/10 compared to that, possibly higher, I'll know when I play it again. Shit looks amazing (and no I'm not just talking about Bayonetta's shapely behind and perky pick-up lines). 

The story line goes like this... sort of: Bayonetta is an Umbran witch that was put to sleep for 500 years for being a bad-ass. You waken in the city of Vigrid being all like "where the fuck am I?" 'Oh shit I've totally forgotten my past", amazingly creative angels and righteous demons try to attack you along the way to kicking ass and taking names. One of the best features of Bayonetta is the Hell's Gate shop run by hustler, come entrepreneur Rodin, a ridiculously sexy black man who hammers demons into weapons for Bayonetta. You can save here and buy outrageously priced sexual weapons that just make you want to throw the controller at the television screen because you'll never get enough dam halos for them all. Halos are the currency since Bayonetta, whips, slice, claws or kicks her way to angel death central, stealing their halos and looting their corpses. The cringe worthy dialogue only makes this game better.

Yet another great feature of Bayonetta is witch time. If you successfully dodge an enemy attack you get sent into witch time, a deliriously awesome warp where time slows down and you can fuck up your enemies old school and they can't do shit about it. Bayonetta incorporates the awesomeness of button mashing with the fabulosity of combos which both look amazing and make you feel like you’re the strongest, baddest bitch around town. The best part of this is that Bayonetta is not easy. It's fairly challenging even on normal. I feel that a reasonable level of hardness is always a great motivation to persevere with a game (no pun intended.)

So what I'm really saying is all you haters can go back to your 'serious RPGs' Baldur's gate or whatever it is you kids are playing these days but if you want a slice of fun mixed in with ridiculous tunes and fabulous sexy button mashing Bayonetta is the game for you. Certainly a titillating way to spend 30+ hours of your life.